My little house with naturalized daffodils coming up in the unmowed lawn.
The cardinals have been calling for over a month now. I wonder if they have found their mates and made their nests while I have been making my nest, my house and yard torn apart and basement dug, foundation replaced. I can now look out on brilliant green grass that has not yet had its first mowing, dotted with daffodils and framed with redbuds.
I'm tired. The sun is shining, and the birds have been calling all morning. I left the windows open last night, and the furnace on 65. The air got cool so I could snuggle up in the covers with my little Jack Russell terrier, Chloe.
Now I've taken my vitamins, and am waiting for them to kick in, as if a pill can magically make me healthy and happy. I guess we are not meant to have an easy life, somehow. The struggle for peace is ever present. Today, in spite of the beautiful weather, I am losing that struggle. I fight to remember gratitude for life's gifts of movement, of thought, of freedom from pain, of pets, of friends, of beauty, of challenge, of music.
I have had that feeling of total peace and contentment, felt it rolling over me like soft sunlight. I felt it looking out my window at my horses contentedly munching in the pasture, framed by colors and indoor tropical plants. I felt it several times in this little house, before I began taking it apart and putting it back together. I wonder now if it will ever be back together. Patience is a virtue, although at times it has come back to haunt me, seeming lazy instead of patient. The torn up yard, the cement detruss, the open trenches, injured beds that were flowers and gardens, are all tasks before me seeming impossible. And they are if I try to do them all yesterday instead of today, one at a time.
I opened the window. The air is cool, the wind is coming up and playing the wind chimes. I debate whether to sit here, listening to the world as the wind come up and pushes nature a little farther, to more extremes, or to venture outside into the spring fray. Maybe more coffee...or just a little nap?
Instead, I'm off to Peoples Unitatian Universalist Church, which is immensely satisfying today. The senior high kids do the service, telling what they value about their UU connection. We sing one song, . I talked with some of the other members and really enjoyed that engagement. Those connections are so worth the trip!
My level of energy is directly effected by my engagement or estrangement with life around me. Why I keep trying to retire from it, I don't know. Mornings are especially difficult for me to move. By evening I am beginning to be rational. There was a time not so long ago when mornings were the best. I woke early, sat and wrote. Now I wake very early, can't get back to sleep, lay and work at disciplining my mind to quit worrying, chanting mantras and prayers.
So today, I try writing again. My cup...my rosebud cup...runneth over. Surely good and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life for I am part of the Whole...until I leave this world and disapate and become the One. Namaste.
In the big yard, a tulip tree and up-ended blackberry bushes.
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